Desolate

The dust is blowing....again today.  The hot wind sears my flesh as though I were dancing in a pit of fire.

The earth is parched.  The trees struggle to bear new leaves, if they survived last summers wrath at all.

My little oasis stands out like a beautiful vision in the middle of hell.

Have mercy on us Mother Nature, open your skies and drench us with your tears.

by lynn

4/8/11

Running from the PAIN

you think you can outrun it....you can't....you never will.  It's always there, hiding in the shadows of your heart.  tiny moments...you live a happness, then SLAP, your right back in the past, in the pain.


choices you make, unselfish they say.  i must love pain, you think.  dark hours, bleeding heart, deep, deep sadness.  unselfishness sucks!


you think sometimes, you've reached the finish line....wrong, your right back at the starting line, no light at the end of the tunnel, no pot of gold.......


you want the pain to leave, so you silence your mind, for one...split...second.....then there it is, stabbing your heart, burning your soul, flooding your eyes....PAIN.

skeletons

skeletons.....they rattle....they roam.....always looming, always taunting.  who is "she", a skeleton i say.  a part of my life that once was buried, but now uncovered.  it's not my choice, but it is what it is.

she is lucky, very fortunate indeed.  she was spared the "dark years", unlike the rest of us.  she was raised with privilege, silver spoon you know.  no regrets, not from me.  so let it be....everyone.....let it be.  let the skeletons rest, let them be at peace, let them stay at bay.

Condesending

that's a big word.  full of meaning.  when used out of context, down right insulting.

i NEVER ask for more than i'm willing to give.  there's nothing wrong with that, nothing dishonorable, dispicable, unkind, or mean.  so....judge me not, for you have not walked in my shoes.  they don't fit you.   my shoes are old, worn, tattered, full of life experiences.  i have the right to set boundries and submit requests.

i'm only a shadow in your eyes...will never be anything more, that i promise.  we come from the same place, but worlds apart.  yours is shiny, fluffy, and giving.  mine is simple, rugged, and challenging.

condescending.......if the shoe fits......

Shit fire & save matches

Spitting nails right about now.  Now I know why I'm blogging.  We'll call him....him, or he.  Why does he think everyone should hand him whatever he wants.  Does he give anything back in return.  The trash, yeah, he takes out the trash.  Bravo!

His phone doesn't pay itself.  I use to pay it.  He works part-time, now he has to pay it.  Except good ole me, I tell him I'll help alittle.  Still, does he help out, well fuck no.  I told him he should think about doing the dishes again, utensils, silverware, 3 glasses & 3 coffee cups each day.  Five minutes tops.  He says he's been doing them.  Well....maybe I have a selective memory, but I have been doing the damn things, for the past 8 days.  So I tell him that, and he says ask Papaw.  Ask him WHAT!!!   Exasperated, mouth hanging a jar, down right pissed off.  Man he lights a fire in my ass. 

So STOMP, STOMP, STOMP off he goes......fishing......

Twlight

Sleep eluded me again last night, I slept, but awoke way before the roosters crowed.  The house was silent as was the windy night air.  The crickets chirping was the only sound to be heard.  I love the silence of night, the peacefulness it brings.  The distant whiz of cars subside as the world falls slowly into slumber.




Then....as quietly as the night slips in....it slips away.  Day is breaking, the whizzing of cars can be heard once again.  What will the day hold?  Drowsy from lack of sleep now, I wonder why in the hell I'm up so early.  I hate these in-between hours.  Too early to be up, to late to go back to sleep.  I feel sluggish, drained, irritable.  Why was my mood so uplifting & productive just a few short hours ago? 

I always feel like I'm doing something bad, something I shouldn't be doing.  Only in those dark days when there was no sleep did I see the nights slip into morning.  I'm not necessarily a morning person.  I like to slide into wakefullness at my own speed, slowly, gently, later rather than earlier.  What to do, what to do. 

Already productive from my early rise, I've completed half of my days activities.  I'm still being called back to my bed, yet I'm fighting the urge, knowing that will only ruin the morning ahead of me.  I sit here yawning, rubbing my eyes....wondering why the hell I'm writing a blog about this....because I can!

old demons

at that moment in time.....i knew that evil was inside me.  my pupils were so dilated, only the green of my eyes showed, the brown was obscured by the black.  the horizonal blood shot streak that ran across both of my eyes added to the effect.....i looked like the devil.

i remember the events of those days & nights as though they were yesterday, yesterday seven years ago.  science fiction-reality.  the love of it, the hate of it, the uncontrollable desire of it.  on that day in january, i knew that was the beginning, of the end, of my addiction.