Shit fire & save matches

Spitting nails right about now.  Now I know why I'm blogging.  We'll call him....him, or he.  Why does he think everyone should hand him whatever he wants.  Does he give anything back in return.  The trash, yeah, he takes out the trash.  Bravo!

His phone doesn't pay itself.  I use to pay it.  He works part-time, now he has to pay it.  Except good ole me, I tell him I'll help alittle.  Still, does he help out, well fuck no.  I told him he should think about doing the dishes again, utensils, silverware, 3 glasses & 3 coffee cups each day.  Five minutes tops.  He says he's been doing them.  Well....maybe I have a selective memory, but I have been doing the damn things, for the past 8 days.  So I tell him that, and he says ask Papaw.  Ask him WHAT!!!   Exasperated, mouth hanging a jar, down right pissed off.  Man he lights a fire in my ass. 

So STOMP, STOMP, STOMP off he goes......fishing......

Twlight

Sleep eluded me again last night, I slept, but awoke way before the roosters crowed.  The house was silent as was the windy night air.  The crickets chirping was the only sound to be heard.  I love the silence of night, the peacefulness it brings.  The distant whiz of cars subside as the world falls slowly into slumber.




Then....as quietly as the night slips in....it slips away.  Day is breaking, the whizzing of cars can be heard once again.  What will the day hold?  Drowsy from lack of sleep now, I wonder why in the hell I'm up so early.  I hate these in-between hours.  Too early to be up, to late to go back to sleep.  I feel sluggish, drained, irritable.  Why was my mood so uplifting & productive just a few short hours ago? 

I always feel like I'm doing something bad, something I shouldn't be doing.  Only in those dark days when there was no sleep did I see the nights slip into morning.  I'm not necessarily a morning person.  I like to slide into wakefullness at my own speed, slowly, gently, later rather than earlier.  What to do, what to do. 

Already productive from my early rise, I've completed half of my days activities.  I'm still being called back to my bed, yet I'm fighting the urge, knowing that will only ruin the morning ahead of me.  I sit here yawning, rubbing my eyes....wondering why the hell I'm writing a blog about this....because I can!

old demons

at that moment in time.....i knew that evil was inside me.  my pupils were so dilated, only the green of my eyes showed, the brown was obscured by the black.  the horizonal blood shot streak that ran across both of my eyes added to the effect.....i looked like the devil.

i remember the events of those days & nights as though they were yesterday, yesterday seven years ago.  science fiction-reality.  the love of it, the hate of it, the uncontrollable desire of it.  on that day in january, i knew that was the beginning, of the end, of my addiction.

another hellish day

what did i do, i mean, really.  what the hell did i do.  must have been a doesy.  must have really screwed someone over good.  karma coming back to bite me in the ass?  but then again, what do teenagers know about common curtesy, or thoughtfulness, or anything other than what they want? 

i raised one son sucessfully.  lots of bumps & dips & hills & valley's along the way, but it all worked out in the end.  now i'm doing it again, my grandson this time.  son of a bitch, it sure ain't easy this time around.  sometimes i think he has rocks for brains.  love the "child", 17 yrs. old.  oh yeah, "he's not a child, he's an adult", yeah, when pigs fly.

you wake up to "mom, where's matt"?  asleep!  "no he's not, he's not here"!  what the fuck?  grab the phone, call the neighbor he went out with.  no answer.  millions of bad thoughts going through your mind, oh, then he walks in the door.  walks in like nothing is wrong.  i slept on the couch at my friends house.  well la ti da!  100 yards from home!  did i know that?  well hell no! 

almost, well actually already in tears, i try to understand why it's no big deal to him, and such a huge deal to me.  different planets we live on i guess.  thank god he is ok, thank goodness he's not in jail, but REALLY!!!  always bumps in the road, no matter how many times you think you've paved that road......always bumps.