The big and little of it.....

I wonder who is in charge of our daily lives.  Some say God, some say "we are".  I believe the latter, at least with the daily routines of life.  I realize I'm not in charge of "the big picture", but feel like I have a hand in the smaller pictures.

I'm not a mechanical person, so to speak.  I can do simple things, but leave more technical things to my better half.  Well, honestly I think he needs a tune-up!

I've been on a lawnmower saga lately.  My riding mower has a vendetta against me.  Can machines hate people?  Granted, I give my little green pony a  hard time sometimes, but when he's running, I take advantage.

Add in the smaller mechanical problems from my push mower, and my old truck, and call it "disaster on wheels on St. Ann street".  I won't go into details, it would take too long, and who cares about broken down mowers anyway.  But for the record, something has a grudge against me lately.  Surely not Mother Earth, she enjoys being pampered.  Being rained on, allowing the grass growing, and mowing is like sweeping a dirty floor, all is beautiful and clean looking in the end.  Weed eating is like trimming a man's nose or ear hairs, so nice and neat looking when the job is done.

Mother Earth and I have been friends for as long as I can remember.  My dad introduced me to her, way back, when I was just a child.  We lost touch with each other for some time, but have been the best of friends for the last 25+ years.  We know each other well enough to call each other a bitch from time to time, but for the most part, we are the best of friends.

She shines down on my little Oasis, and I've had a few different ones over the years, with this one being my last I hope.  Maybe it's because I love her so much, but she always makes things grow for me.  She was hurting really badly for a couple of years, desperation was a daily fact.  But Mother Nature has blessed us this year so far, and we we are both smiling from ear to ear.

But I'm not smiling at my four-wheeled friends.  I am seething, hissing, cussing, and even crying from time to time. 

Oh well, tomorrow is another day, my trusty "mechanic" will hopefully work his magic, cough, cough, and I will be back in business until the next time I insert the key, or engage the blade, but hey, one day of mowing is better than no days of mowing.

Closing a door....

It's done!  The door is closing, one last time.....it's best for all.  It's been laborious years, heartache, anger, disgust, distrust.....today it ends.

I feel so weary, so worn out and tired.  Be glad to see tomorrow, and a brighter day I hope.  What makes a person so manipulative and callous?  It's not from lack of love, or nurturing, he had all of that, from me at least.  He is so lost, so broken.  But now he's thrown away the last tiny bit of compassion I held for him.

His future is bleak, only because he thrives on that avenue.  Good living, a good life, and all that it brings, is of no interest to him.  Thug life is his motto, his desire.  So be it.  Today I wash my hands....and this time I wash them clean........

Wildfire

The air is no longer air....it is smoke, eyes watering, nose sniffling....is this a nightmare or scary movie?  It is noon, yet the sky is a hazy orange, nothing looks real, only ghost like.

The winds don't stop...ever blowing, now blowing the fire closer...and closer....

I cry for those who are in it's path, I cry because I'm scared, uncertainty hanging in the air with the thick smoke.  Ashes lay on my porch, black ones and gray ones.....what the hell is happening?

Are we being punished for something, or is this just a bad joke?  Wildfires started by lightning...thunderstorms where no rain follows.  It must be a practical joke, surely this isn't reality.

Looking out my window, the eerie day looms, the winds whipping the tree branches, the American flag on it's pole in the park....this way...that way, apparently the fire is doing the same, moving this way....that way...

I'm in a trance, not wanting to move....I might miss some news of the fires advances....so here I sit, hands on keyboard, eyes on monitor, back & forth from site to site, craving an update, praying I wake up and it was just a dream.......

Desolate

The dust is blowing....again today.  The hot wind sears my flesh as though I were dancing in a pit of fire.

The earth is parched.  The trees struggle to bear new leaves, if they survived last summers wrath at all.

My little oasis stands out like a beautiful vision in the middle of hell.

Have mercy on us Mother Nature, open your skies and drench us with your tears.

by lynn

4/8/11

Running from the PAIN

you think you can outrun it....you can't....you never will.  It's always there, hiding in the shadows of your heart.  tiny moments...you live a happness, then SLAP, your right back in the past, in the pain.


choices you make, unselfish they say.  i must love pain, you think.  dark hours, bleeding heart, deep, deep sadness.  unselfishness sucks!


you think sometimes, you've reached the finish line....wrong, your right back at the starting line, no light at the end of the tunnel, no pot of gold.......


you want the pain to leave, so you silence your mind, for one...split...second.....then there it is, stabbing your heart, burning your soul, flooding your eyes....PAIN.

skeletons

skeletons.....they rattle....they roam.....always looming, always taunting.  who is "she", a skeleton i say.  a part of my life that once was buried, but now uncovered.  it's not my choice, but it is what it is.

she is lucky, very fortunate indeed.  she was spared the "dark years", unlike the rest of us.  she was raised with privilege, silver spoon you know.  no regrets, not from me.  so let it be....everyone.....let it be.  let the skeletons rest, let them be at peace, let them stay at bay.

Condesending

that's a big word.  full of meaning.  when used out of context, down right insulting.

i NEVER ask for more than i'm willing to give.  there's nothing wrong with that, nothing dishonorable, dispicable, unkind, or mean.  so....judge me not, for you have not walked in my shoes.  they don't fit you.   my shoes are old, worn, tattered, full of life experiences.  i have the right to set boundries and submit requests.

i'm only a shadow in your eyes...will never be anything more, that i promise.  we come from the same place, but worlds apart.  yours is shiny, fluffy, and giving.  mine is simple, rugged, and challenging.

condescending.......if the shoe fits......